Becoming a Mature Adult: The Guide

Since turning twenty-five, there are few things I love more than being condescending to everyone younger than me. Why is this? Am I wiser? Do I want them to learn from my mistakes? Am I bitter? Possibly.

Now although getting older is inevitable, maturing is more of a fine art. And let me tell you, that is a fine art that I am fucking crushing.

Discussing the weather. Writing a grocery list. Dabbling in camomile tea. Lock in answer D, because I am participating in all of the above. That being said, I’ll admit there’s a thing or two even I need to learn before I can consider myself a fully-fledged, well-rounded, mature adult. That’s right, even I still have work to do, albeit not much. I am mature enough to admit that.

Stop Speaking in Slang

I use the word ‘stop’ here loosely, and the word ‘loosely’ there even more loosely, as I have no intention to ever stop saying ‘noice’. I’d just like to finish a meeting without asking if my creative directors can ‘dig it’.

Be Truthful in Job Interviews

I could write the book on lying in interviews. And if anybody asks, I did.

Any skill, every award, I’ve got it. I know every homeless person in zone 1 London by name because I have, personally, in person, volunteered to make sure they’re safe and well fed. And don’t even ask me about that ‘I ran the City to Surf marathon and all I got was this bumper sticker’ bumper sticker. So embarrassing! I’m not like an athlete or anything! I just do it for charity.

So what if it’s a complete fabrication of who I am and I have absolutely no intention of ever becoming that person? Eventually I’ll achieve enough over my career that I’ll have genuine skills and awards and can stop lying. Except for marathons. I’m never running a fucking marathon.

Learn to Drink Responsibly

Where most people direct their barrels of anger and hatred, I don’t know. Frankly, I don’t want to know. But it's part of being a mature adult that I need to learn. 

I’m not talking ‘pretty sure I’m still cool to drive’ responsible drinking.

I’m talking three weeks have passed without one reflux of gin and what’s most likely to be lamb kebab climbing up my throat on a Wednesday morning.

And if I were to aim high, which I obviously will, maybe one day my reflux will taste like truffle oil instead. Wouldn’t that be nice?

Not Only Watch, But Also Understand, Interstellar

Yeah I know you understood it the first time you watched it, but I don’t know who the fuck you think you are

Stop Living Weekend to Weekend

They say every day is a gift. But some days are an out-of-date $20 gift card that you’re like, ‘I don’t even remember receiving this in the first place’. If anything, you’d probably rather you’d never found it in the first place.

That is the type of gift my days are.

So it’s safe to say I need fulfilling life activities that sprinkle themselves into each day, for example, maybe meal planning, or knitting, or starting a family. At this point I might consider getting invested in Downton Abbey.

Make Life Decisions Not Out of Spite

If you don’t know where you want to end up in life, the best path to start on is one that sounds cool, or at least sounds better than whatever everyone else at school ended up doing. 

Does being an investor sound like a better job than mine? More esteemed? On one hand, he plays with money. That’s kind of cool. But it’s just other people’s money, right? Would I even be happy doing that? Do I even need to be happy?

Stop Pulling the Skin Next to My Fingernails to the Point That It Feels Like I’ve Definitely Hit Bone

This is the one. This is it. The ultimate challenge. The final level. The final gym master enemy that you have to defeat with your tiny, useless Pokémon, who has spirit, but he’s not ready, and you know he’s not ready. You know what I mean. I haven’t played a video game in a while. But when you think about it, that’s really what being an adult is all about.